i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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