sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
