Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
