On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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