My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I wear drunk well.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
