Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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