hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She needs sedatives and a leash
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
