i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
