My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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