Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
