every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she peed on how many people?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
