everyone is single if you try hard enough
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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