the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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