Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
