Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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