So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
