I think my fart just growled at me.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
