My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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