I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
