I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
