i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
