i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
do herpes really smell.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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