my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This is classic penis vs brain.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
