I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
