My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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