he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
