Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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