Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
