When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
