Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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