I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
