Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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