Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
