Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
