Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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