i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
