bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
