my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
