i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
