he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
