I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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