you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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