I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
