conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
