I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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