Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
