I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
