It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
