Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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