Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
