The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
