I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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